Postscript

One last thing on my Mom. I remember our last visit to the Cape. We were out at the Cape Cod Museum of Natural History and they had a special exhibit on Rachel Carson, the author of Silent Spring. For those of you who haven't heard of the book, you should immediately go to your local bookstore and buy a copy since it should be required reading for all Americans. The book dealt with the nation's increased use of pesticides and how this was affecting the environment. It is so good you won't be able to put it down.

Anyhow, Rachel also fought and lost a battle with cancer. And, the museum has a large mural of one of her diary entries. My Mom stood and read it several times and actually asked me to take a picture of it. Given the similarities between the two women and my Mom's love of butterflies, I think that its a fitting postscript.

"This is a postscript to our morning in Newagen, something I think that I can write better than say. For me it was the loveliest of the summer's hours, and all the details will remain in my memory; that blue September sky, the sounds of the wind in the spruces and the surf on the rocks, the gulls busy with their foraging, alighting with deliberate grace, the distant views of Griffiths Head and Todd Point, today so clearly etched, though once half seen in swirling fog. But most of all I shall remember the Monarchs that unhurried westward drift of one small winged form after another, each drawn by some invisible force. We talked a little about their migration, their life history. Did they return? We thought not for most, at least, this was the journey of their lives."

"But it occurred to me this afternoon, remembering, that it had been a happy spectacle, that we had felt no sadness when we spoke of the fact that there would be no return. And rightly-for when any living thing has come to the end of its life cycle we accept that end as natural.
For the Monarch, that cycle is measured in a known span of months."

"For ourselves, the measure is something else, the span of which we cannot know. But the thought is the same, when that intangible cycle has run its course it is a natural and not unhappy thing that life comes to an end. That is what those brightly fluttering bits of life taught me this morning. I found deep happiness in it-so, I hope, may you."

-Rachel Carson

Memorium

I've thought about my Mom every day since she passed. She was such a caring, understanding, and loving person and it was a blessing to have her bring me into this world. To me our relationship was very special. I never had any major fights with her (there was those terrible teenage years but I fought with everyone then). She was there for me 100% of the time. She made me who I am today and she was so proud of both my sister and I. She was the person I went to when life was getting me down or I needed a confidant. She was the first person I called with news, good or bad. She truly was my best friend.

For those of you who may be regular readers of my blog, you know that my family is extremely close. My parents, sister Kerry, and I truly were one unit. Ever since I can remember, these three people were my life. Kerry and I both went away to college but returned to the house after school. Before I met Shannon, I would work in Connecticut during the week and then head up to Massachusetts for the weekend. Even as four adults we still loved to spend time together. We vacationed on Cape Cod every summer. Mom also planned family vacations around the country. In the last few years we visited New Hampshire, Arizona, Nevada, Texas, and San Diego together.

Some would find this strange; all that time home with my parents. But it always felt right to me. Back when I was in college, my parents started birding at Broad Meadow Brook, a local sanctuary. I always thought that it was peculiar that they got up early every weekend to look at birds. The "ah-hah" moment for me came when we were out on the Cape. We were walking out on the boardwalk at Wellfleet Bay when we were buzzed by a female Northern Harrier. I was amazed to watch this beautiful bird hunt. It swooped and dove.. I don't remember if it ever caught anything. But, I was hooked.

In the years that followed, Mom, Dad, Kerry and I spent lots of our free time out in nature. While we did our share of traveling, a lot of the memorable times were here in New England. So many great memories:

• Watching the snow fall in the desert near San Diego.


• MassAudubon Bird-a-thons whether they be hot or torrential rain.


• Volunteering at Boo Meadow Brook


• Looking for Black Racers at West Hill Dam.


• Monitoring the Harris' Checkerspots at BMB.


• Driving through Anza Borrego at dusk praying for an Ocelot.


• Driving around Central Mass on Mark Lynch's waterfowl surveys.


• 4th of July butterfly counts.


• Admiring the Grand Canyon from the South Rim.


• Big Night at Pergatory Chasm.

I think that I could go on forever. I got addicted to being outside and enjoying life with these people who I loved unconditionally. We met so many fantastic people through this hobby (or should I say way of life). These were true friends, people who cared about you. I can't fully explain to you how this has enriched my life.

So, I'm not embarrassed to say that I spent so much time with my family. Given how things turned out, I feel blessed to have had this time together. And the memories that just may mean the most to me might be the times that she and I were alone together. Hiking at Delaney. Trudging through a field covered in sweat looking for butterflies. Early mornings birding on the Cape. Trips to Plum Island.

Its been one month and one day and I miss her so much. I want to call her up and see how she is doing. I want to get out with her and experience a sunny spring day. I want to tell her that Shannon and I are engaged. I want to hold her in my arms just one more time. But its not to be.

Wake (4/2 - 4/3)

The next few days were pretty tough and everyone dealt with it differently. I threw myself into a major project: getting photos together for the wake. Mom's body just wasn't the way that we wanted to remember her. So, the family decided that we would honor her with pictures instead. I went through all the old photo albums and found some nice ones of her. Then I searched through all of my digital photos. Mom hated having her picture taken so I didn't have as many as I would have liked. But I put out an e-mail and lots of her friends sent them in to me. I edited, cropped, and framed them all with my Dad's help. I found it really therapeutic and it kept my mind from realizing that I would never see her again.

We held the wake on two nights. The first night, Wednesday, was attended by a huge group of my Mom's co-workers from UMASS. They were all so kind and comforting. So many of them told me how proud she was of me and how much she loved the family. I almost broke down a couple of times but I made it through both nights with the help of Dad, Shannon, and Kerry.

In Memorium (3/29)

On Saturday March 29th my mother, Barbara, passed away after an almost two year battle with breast cancer. I can still remember when she was diagnosed. It was in the spring of 2006 and she had been concerned about swelling in her arm. Though she had regular mammograms, her doctor suspected breast cancer but couldn't locate the tumor. After many doctor's visits with specialist after specialist they eventually discovered the tumor in her lymph nodes (in the underarm area). I remember being in alone in my house in Cromwell and hearing the news directly from her. I was absolutely devastated. But, after some time to think about it, I thought that this was something that she could beat. With the help from her loving family, we were going to win. This was going to be a success story to share with others.

In the beginning I think that my Mom was scared but at least relieved to know what she was dealing with. She threw herself into researching the disease and learning everything that she could. Her degree in biology undoubtedly made understanding the complexity of her cancer much easier. I have to admit that I couldn't bring myself to do the same research. I couldn't face the severity of what she was dealing with. To this day I change the channel when I hear ads for organizations fighting breast cancer. Its still too painful.

Barbara started her first chemotherapy treatment in July of 2006. We were planning a trip up to Pittsburg, New Hampshire with a group of my Mom's friends from the Massachusetts Butterfly Club. She started treatment the middle of the week and by Friday we were in New Hampshire. The chemicals really beat her up. She felt horrible for most of the trip and even though she tried to go out with the group, she spent most of each outing in the car resting. Saturday night was the worst but she felt good enough on Sunday to have a fantastic meal of Chinese food on the way back home.

The next week we had planned our yearly trip out to Cape Cod. By this time she was feeling much better and we had a nice time together. But I do remember getting in the SUV with her as we headed out to dinner one night. It was hot and the windows were open. The flow of air pulled hair off her head and made it swirl around the car. Instead of being depressed, she seemed to revel in this new stage. She shook her hair and watched as more and more joined in the mini tornado.

In general, this is the way that she handled the disease (at least outwardly). She always wanted to learn more but never got depressed about her situation. She continued to work at UMASS and got treatments every 3 weeks. The chemicals did absolutely horrible things to her. All her hair fell out. The swelling in her arm never went away and it always bothered her. She lost all feeling in her feet. She had pain in her stomach. Anything she drank tasted metallic so the only things that she could keep down were Capri Sun juice pouches and Pepperidge Farm Pretzel Goldfish. Every new drug was supposed to be easier on her but each just had new side effects.

But eventually things started to turn. She finished the chemo, surgery, and radiation and started to get better. Her hair grew back and she regained her strength. After many months she could actually feel her feet again. The treatment had worked and we were optimistic about the future. She did have one curious spot on her spine but it didn't show any signs of growth during her subsequent scans.

That next year life went on pretty much as it always had. She and my Dad both retired and started spending the money that they had saved up. They did all the things that she loved. They traveled to New Mexico, Florida, etc. She participated in seven 4th of July butterfly counts. She birded, planted a garden, hiked and basically enjoyed life.

The turning point was on Valentine's Day. She had a scan that day and when I called she told me that they had found a small spot on her liver. At that time they weren't even sure that it was cancer. But, I knew that it wasn't good and actually broke down and cried after hanging up the phone. When the doctors did decide it was a relapse they started her on chemo again. This was something that she really dreaded. But she gritted her teeth and hoped for the best.

A few weeks later I drove up to Auburn for a visit. Mom was just so tired and barely got off the couch during my visit. But we had all been through this before. The fatigue was normal but it always got better as the days passed. Shannon and I came up again the day before Easter and she was still feeling very fatigued. We made a nice big dinner of Chinese food and she seemed happy with how it came together (even though she could only stomach a few vegetables and some broth).

On Easter Sunday I spoke with her and she said that she was going to be admitted to the hospital the next day. There the doctors pumped her full of fluids and she felt much better. She was strong enough on Tuesday to take a shower by herself and I though that everything was going to be OK. Shannon and I drove up on Thursday for a visit and, even though she was heavily drugged, she seemed alright. But, by the afternoon on Friday my Dad called me to tell me that I needed to come up right away. Her diagnosis was very bad and it wasn't going to be long. Shannon and I both cried the entire drive up to the hospital.

When we got there, Mom was still awake and seemed happy to see us. We sat and talked with her about butterflies and other things to cheer her up. Her brain was so addled with chemicals that I'm not sure that she knew what was going on. But she told us to "Be Kind", and not to do anything "crazy". Just before we left for the night she mustered the energy to get up from the bed and sit in the chair. We gave her some Jello even though she actually wanted sherbet. We all said that we loved her and then left for the night.

We got to the hospital early the next morning but she never came back to us. We waited all day with her friends Gail and Elise. Just before 9:00 her body gave up and she passed away.

(I'll have a more uplifting memorial of my time with her for my next post.)

Blackledge Falls: Glastonbury, CT (3/23)

I liked the falls so much that I brought my girlfriend back there on Easter Sunday afternoon. The weather was much nicer and the ice had all melted away. I took a few more photos of the falls before Shannon and I took a short hike through the woods. We eventually came to the powerlines which funneled us down toward the river. A single Eastern Phoebe (my first of the year) was swooping back and forth over the water picking off insects. He/she was very cooperative and I got one or two nice shots.

Blackledge Falls: Glastonbury, CT (3/22)

On Saturday March 22nd I took an early morning hike at Blackledge Falls in Glastonbury. I'd been to this area before and enjoyed my short hike. Plus its really close to my house so I can somewhat sleep in and still do some morning hiking.

I set of down the trail and eventually found the branch that led to the falls. The night before had been particularly cold and when I got to the falls I was treated to a beautiful display. The water vapor from the falls had frozen to almost everything. There were long thin icicles, pebbles of ice on the rocks, and thick coats of ice on the debris that littered the stream under the falls.

The falls themselves were really beautiful too. When I was there, water was actually pouring over the ledge in two locations. The morning sun was at just the perfect angle to create a small rainbow in the splash zone.

(Interesting side note: While searching for who owns this property I stumbled upon a web site that lists all of the waterfalls in the state of Connecticut. Its really cool.)

Status of Lynx in NM

CNN.com has an article on the effort to protect the Lynx in New Mexico. Its a short article but interesting because it highlights the fact the wildlife is seldom contained within state borders.

Glastonbury (3/16)

This Sunday in mid-March I got up early and took a quick walk around my neighborhood. I was struck by the diversity of birds that I was able to identify. We still had some of the winter migrants (Dark-eyed Junco) but some of the summer visitors were here too.

Birds: Blue Jay, Golden-crowned Kinglet, House Finch, House Sparrow, Northern Cardinal, American Robin, American Crow, Dark-eyed Junco, White-throated Sparrow, Brown-headed Cowbird, Tufted Titmouse, Black-capped Chickadee, American Goldfinch, Mourning Dove, Downy Woodpecker, Red-bellied Woodpecker, Northern Flicker, White-breasted Nuthatch